In the beginning there was only darkness,
and out of that darkness was born the demon Zaal.
Ruler of the Zakidees...
...and oppressor of human-kind.
But from out of the shadows came Kronn, warrior above all warriors...
...and bearer of the Gods' sword.
He freed human-kind...
...and led them to victory.
But victory was dearly won.
Suffering a mortal wound to his heart,
Kronn bled for seven days and seven nights.
And a hundred warriors drank of his spilled blood.
And beared his strength.
Kronn looked down at them and what he saw was good.
And with that he died.
Thus were born the Barbarians,
The mighty sons of Kronn.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Hey, listen up people. Strength! Courage! Fearlessness!
These strengths were Kronn's gift to our people.
For thousands of generations his undiluted blood...
...has been running through our veins.
This is what we celebrate on this day every year, before we go on a quest.
But first and foremost is Kronn's blood which makes...
...us Barbarians, the greatest warriors in all of Metalonia.
Okay, Ronal. It's your turn.
Erm... Ronal is ill.
Erm... Ronal is taking a sick day.
Ronal!
Why don't you just skip me? My elbow is hurting.
Maybe I'm getting osteopornosis?...
- Jerk-off elbow?... - Hell, Ronal.
Come on! Give it all you've got kid.
I can't wait to see this shit.
Oh, fuck me!
Come on, one more.
I can't...
Come on...
...more!
You have to get in shape before going out on a quest, Ronal.
A Barbarian who can't swing a double-headed axe is...
well... is just not a real Barbarian.
What the hell am I going to do on a quest anyway? I'll just get in your way.
- Why can't I hang at home? - You are a son of Kronn, Ronal.
Kronn's sons go on quests to kill monsters and return home, in glory.
- It's the essence of being a Barbarian. - Uncle, take a look at me.
What can I do to harm a monster? Flex these muscles and hope it laughs itself to death?
What's up, Ronal? Have you gotten some muscles? Hahahaha!
So frigging funny. Have you gotten yourself some brain cells, huh?
What? Where? If there is one on my back can you pop it for me?
So frigging difficult right before the party.
Listen, Ronal. Going out on a quest is more about having big balls...
...rather than having big muscles. It's about courage.
Once you've shown you're a real man, questing is fun and crushing the enemy is easy.
Ok, maybe it is just me but I can't get over the fact that you can seriously die from questing!
- Oh just shut up and train, idiot. - They're actually pretty heavy!
What the hell is that?
The alarm! Take arms, people! On your marks!
Protect the tribe!
Come on! You too, Ronal. Barricade the gates!
Come on! Pull!
Man the barricades, you lazy bitches!
Hold it... hold it.
Wait... wait.
Hold it!
Halt! Who goes there?
Greetings, noble Barbarians. Master Florian, bard.
At your service.
We merely wish for a humble fee of course.
To enrich your spectacular buffet of muscles.
With noble sonatas from olden times about heroes and heroines.
Voilà!
Attack! Attack Attack!... Atttttttaaaacccckkk!
- Singers! They sing songs at parties. - Parties?
That bad ass weapon is not a flamehurler. It's a fucking tuba, man.
Arrgh, come in.
- Damn! - Oh, that sucks big time.
Oh crap, I haven't cracked open a skull in ages.
- How the hell would I know that was a tuba? - Your mom plays a tuba, you schmuck.
Howdy, girls. How about washing my massive...
...rock-hard, filthy, dirty...
- ...four-stringed lute? - Lute?
It's time for poems not frivolity, my young Alibert. Duty calls.
We must practice for the party.
Isn't there just a little time to check out the hunnies?
No, no, no! A real bard has to know all chorales down to the finest detail.
Oh, does it have to be so perfect? Isn't it about time we went on a quest?...
...and joined the Barbarians tomorrow. Get in on all the action.
Look at me! I really need to meet the chicks, man!
I mean, write some very important poems...
- ...and that sort of thing, - Hahahahaa.
Young Alibert. You won't be ready for that...
...until you know all the poems ever written, entirely by heart.
- What? But that will take a 100 years. - But nonsense. That's total rubbish my little friend.
I was only 57 when I was fully trained. A mere young stud. Now sit!
Oww! I'll suck shit!
He's got it!
That really is shit!
Ok, who's going to suck the jølch right out of my midget's ass?
- Alibert! - Ow, shit!
So I went hunting the other day, right...
...and just happened to run into an Orc kindergarden. Cute kids.
- Here you go, sugar. This is for you. - Wow, it's gorgeous.
Oh, it really brings out your eyes. Oh, you've got to see this one too.
It is an invisibility body lotion.
I used it last year when I snuck into a harem.
Cool, right? Totally sleeky-deeky, man.
- You can't even see who is attacking! - Ow!
- What? - Ow, stop it! - What was that? Now it's stopped.
- There it goes again. - Ouch, Gorak please stop it. - Who's hitting you, Ronal?
- Hahaha. It just can't stop. - Fucking stop it, Gorak! You fat piece of shit!
Oh, Ronal. You're such a pussy!
All sons of Kronn are gathered, Lord Volcazar.
Then the time has come.
- Can I take over your shift? - What about the party? Huh?
Yeah... I was a bit tired.
Okay then, but blow the horn if you see anything suspicious, ok?
- Think you can do that? - Arggh, who cares if I can blow that shitty horn?
- I just want to be alone, ok? - It's a big horn,
first you draw in a big breath. Deep in your gut, then you...
Arggh! For God's sake, Uncle. Who in the hell would bother attacking us?
We're Barbarians. We've crushed everything in the Northern Hemisphere.
We've never been attacked, damnit!
- You may be right but it's the principle that counts... - Arrggh!
Grrrr! Some day that kid's going to be the death of me.
Fucking Barbarians, man.
What the hell is that?
We're under attack. Ah! We're under attack!
Quick grab your weapons!
No, no, no, no!
- What is your command? - Unleash the fires of hell upon them!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fire!
Attack! Show no mercy!
- Hey look, fireworks! - I don't remember ordering any fireworks?
Argghh, we're under attack! Barbarians, defend youselves!
Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop!
Oh thank heavens you're safe. Mmmwah!
Wooo! This is one bitching party, man!
Help! Help!
Bash! Muscles! Oh yeah!
I think that's all of them.
Fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck. Ow!
He's mine.
We've been totally overrun! Why didn't you blow the fucking horn, Ronal?
- I tried, I really did! - You tried?
'Trying' just isn't good enough, Ronal.
Jump on. We've got to save the others.
Are these the famous sons of Kronn?
How pathetic.
Chain them all up. And don't leave anyone behind!
We Barbarians never surrender!
Everyone bows to Lord Volcazar...
No!
...or die!
No!
- Take them away. - You heard Lord Volcazar!
Get the last ones locked up. That's it. Come on!
Hurry up! Get the pigs in the cart! I haven't got all night!
- Come here you little tank! - I don't want to go...
- It hurts! Help! Argggh! - Huh?
Remember your shoes and purses... erm I mean axes!
We won't be coming back to get them. So let's go!
- Mr. General? - Now what? - Erm, I've got a small problem here...
- ...this prisoner don't fit in the cuffs. What shall I do? - Huh? That's not a Barbarian.
- Take him off back and kill the bitch. - Uggh, what?! - Wow! Thanks, Toots.
- Lucky bastard. - Yeah, damnit. He always gets the fun jobs.
- I love leather, it feels nice! - I love leather, it feels nice!
- Buy it in a tiny size. - Buy it in a tiny size.
- Sits well... - Feels good...
- Tiny size... - Tiny size...
Help, help, help... help!
- Hehehe... I love this job. Hehe. - No!
Damn. I think I got a hard-on... oww!
Oh, shit! What a night!
My head is killing me. Wow this place looks pretty nasty.
Where did everyone go?
Are you heading to the after-party or something? Hey, dude. Wait up!
Ro... Ronal.
Uncle? You're alive.
Not for long.
Kronn is calling me home.
No, Uncle, it's probably just a... erm... flesh wound...
Ronal, when your parents died I promised to look after you.
I kept that promise. Now it's your turn, promise me something?
That you'll save the others. They're counting on you, Ronal!
- What? But, but I can't. - Promise me
- But, but... - You must go north to the Oracle.
- He... He will help you. - The Oracle? But, but how?
You are the only hope, Ronal.
You are the last free Barbarian.
Uncle? Uncle?
Uncle?
Gorak's invisibility lotion.
Yo.
- What's up? You going on a quest? - Err, no. I have to go find the Barbarians.
Gnarl, hey... Huh?
- That sounds like a quest? You're going on a quest! - I'm not going on a quest. I have to find my tribe.
That is so totally a quest. Wait up.
- Err... Who are you? - Howdy. Alibert, bard.
- I'm tickled pink to join you. - Wait... hang on!
You can't say no, because I'd just follow you like a shadow.
- Yeah but... - Ohhh, it's going to be awesome, man!
You know what? Since we're heading north, why don't we visit the Amazons along the way?
- No. - I hear the chicks up there are totally drool.
- We got to check it out, man. - Listen... - It's true!
- Stop following me around, okay? - No! Amazon chicks are born hotter and hornier than a 'June' bride in Berylia...
- No! - Shit! You're a drag, man.
- I've got it... we'll go to Berylia. - No! - The women there have curly tails...
- ...and four titties! Wouldn't that be great? - They sound like pigs!
- Awww, come on. What are we doing here anyway?
- I need to talk to the Oracle. - So you think this dude could hook us up?
- Great ass, buddy. - Don't touch me! - Swwweeet!
Huh... hello?
- Hello? - Well you sure took your sweet time.
I've been sitting here since last Sunday. Are you coming in or what?
- Err... sorry. What? - Well you need to wipe my shit-stained, shrivelled ass, you idiot!
What the fuck are you doing here? Aren't you the fucking nurse?
- Erm... err. No. We... we... - Wait, Wait!
I mean Gundar sent me... hummph!
Arrghh that's it. I'm done shitting. Get to wiping. Go easy on my god-damned haemorrhoids!
Jeez, did I wash my hands? What's with washing the hands anyway? Who gives a fuck!
I've got to tell you something about this Lord Volcazar. He's a mighty warrior.
Dark forces of the Zakidees protects him.
Yeah, well it's not as if I want to fight him or anything. I just wanna find my tribe.
Volcazar craves the power across all of Metalonia.
So far, no one has been able to stop him.
Woah.
This guy is surrounded by impenetrable armour. No weapon can ever hurt this bastard!
There is only one sword with the power to beat him.
Watch!
- Oh, oh... wow! - Err... what's so special about that?
You Barbarian, of all people should know that. This is Kronn's sword.
Nah... it's a joke, right?
Don't you know it doesn't exist? All Barbarians have been searching for...
...that stupid sword forever! I'm sorry to...
...break it to you old man, but it's just a silly fairy tale.
That sword is no myth, you little shit-stick! Only that sword can hurt Lord Volcazar...
...and you will never save your tribe without killing him first!
But, but I... I can't.
Only a fearless warrior will be able to use Kronn's sword.
And without a great warrior, Volcazar is invincible.
And without a great warrior with big balls, your tribe is doomed!
But what do I care? I'm just an Oracle. I don't give a fuck!
It ain't my fault the Barbarians have been captured, is it now?
Gu'ra Zul!
Sorcerer!
My Lord, the time is nigh. We must awaken the Zakidees temple soon.
Before it is too late for the ritual. Are all Kronn's sons caught?
- My mission is complete. - Fantastic, my Lord. Now nothing can stop us.
Mighty Zaal. Kronn's sons have all been captured.
Awaken from your slumber!
Hey, what's going on?
Hahahaha, at last!
- What? - What now?
The great and mighty Zaal is not pleased. One of Kronn's sons is missing!
- Impossible. Unless? - Hey, I don't understand...
- We didn't leave anyone alive. - You fool!
I need the blood of every living Barbarian, and you go and let one escape!
- Urghh, I can't explain. - Bring him to me. Now!
They're on a quest, Alibert and Ronal...
the biggest heroes in Metalonia...
Oooo! We're gonna rock! Woo!
And all the gaudy girls will say
Alibert, you're so sexy!
Hmmphh! Listen, pigfuck! I just witnessed my village burned to the ground and now I have to find Kronn's sword, even though...
...I haven't got a rat's ass chance of finding it, so will you shut up with your odes and give me a chance to think!
- Hey, I can strum a little Barbarian tune instead. - No please! Not that crap!
And Kronn he pulled his mighty sword, and thrust with all his strength...
...the sword into Zakidees' skull, which cracked along it's length.
- Wait... That song? What was it? - Huh?
- 'The ballad of Kronn'. - 'The ballad of Kronn'?
Yes, 2073 verses and I know them all by heart.
And seriously, dude. Kronn gets laid in half of them.
- Wha.. Well why didn't you tell me about it, man? - That he gets laid a lot?
No, about the lyrics. It's about Kronn, you idiot!
- That verse was about a sword. - Was it? - Any verses about where the sword is? Quick get to the end.
Er... from his chest the blood gushed forth, it gushed down night and day...
No, no. After he dies. Come on, sing it.
In his grave his sword was lain... A place beyond recall...
The 'Book of Wisdom' in Elven Gard, is bound to make the call...
- The 'Book of Wisdom' in Elven Gard! That's it. - What?
- We gotta go to Elven Gard and read the 'Book of Wisdom'! - Really?
- That's how we'll find the sword! - Woohoo, Beau Zaal! Things are totally bitching!
This is going to be a kickass quest.
Okay, I have two rules for this trip. One: this is not a quest...
And two: if we see anything that is remotely quest like, we'll absolutely go around it!
- Deal? - Go round it. Gotcha! - Good... humph!
- Huh! - Oh shit!
I'm not quite sure but did we just break rule number one or two? Arggh!
Run for your lives.
Shit! What the hell is this?
Huh? Did you hear that?
No! No! No! No!
Wait!... Stop! Ouch
- Who are you? Are you one of them? - My... my throat.
Answer me!
I-I-I'm just an innocent traveller. I swear.
I-I really don't want to disturb you, err...
- ...your massacre of random men. - They challenged me to a duel.
Oh no, not again.
Tch! Screw it! I'll let you live.
Hey, Ronal. I think we just found the fearless warrior we need for Kronn's sword.
What? Are you crazy? She's a fucking psychopath.
- Err, exactly. What are you waiting for, ask her. - No.
Pfftt! Asshole! Hey, Gorgeous. My buddy Ronal wants to ask you something.
He's wondering if a fiesty warrior babe like you...
- ...would be into joining our quest, you know. To like... save his tribe. - Alibert, you idiot!
And as an added bonus I'll let you play with Daddy's lute by the campfire! If you catch my drift?
Listen, I have no idea what he's going on about. I really don't know this asshole.
Wrap your hand around it's neck, and I'll teach you how to...
I have zero interest in playing with your instrument! - Hey...
- ...where are you going? This is an hell of an offer. - I told you it was a bad idea.
We'll find someone else to save the Barbarians.
- Did you say 'Barbarians'? - Um, err... yeah?
- Barbarians? Are they your tribe? - Err... yeah?
The ones they call the greatest warriors in Metalonia?
Umm... yeah.
It's a worthy cause. I'll join you.
Erm... sorry? What?
I'm Zandra, shield-maiden of the Shield-maiden clan.
- Where you going? - Err... - To the Elven Tower.
- We just have to figure out where it is first. - I think we will need a guide.
- There is probably one in the next town. Follow me. - Hey, wait. You can't just take over...
- Do you have a problem with that? - Listen... uh, no.
- Great, let's go. - Hehe. Score! Ronal she is so into you. You dawg!
Squawk! Son of Kronn! Son of Kronn!
Arrrghh! Faster!
Hot damn!
Wow, dude. You can butter my buns and call me a biscuit! This place is swweeeet!
- Okay, here we are. - Uh, okay.
Hey! What's up, assholes?
Can any of ya call a... hic... call a taxi?
- Oh fuck! - Great, it's happy hour.
It's really crowded today. Stay behind me.
Woah! Wo-Wo-Woah! Easy now. We'll go in quietly...
...we'll find our guide, and get out of here without anyone noticing.
And no fighting, okay?
Please?
- Your call. - Thanks.
Bing, Bing-li-bing-bing. Bing. Bing!
Son of Kronn! Son of Kronn!
So I said to her: 'You're a woman, your tits look a bit heavy. Can I hold 'em for you?'
Ya Ma has the sickest tits around.
I'm just saying, 'that's Moms, right?'
You gotta love your Ma. I love my Ma. Wanna light...
- ...big tits? No? - Sit down and shut the fuck up, ugly!
- What do'ya want? - Err... We're looking for a guide.
There is only one left. In the back behind the shitter. Ask for Elric.
Hey, who ordered a beer and a double Manhattan?
- Get your nuts off the table! - Okay. Thanks.
Uh, hey... and are you Elric?
The voice of the wind is alight in the evening sun.
The children of the stars lead Mother Earth to rest.
The darkness is filled by the moans of happy spirit's lovers.
I sensed you would come. We elves are connected to all living things.
Let our souls unite.
You have the eagle's imagination and a cock's silent will.
The music of the copper beech is in your heart. Kormamin lindua ka'elja. Mwah.
- Well now that sounds interesting. Listen, I'm Ronal and I'm... - Shhhh...
Names carry no meaning.
- Okay right, but here's the thing. I need a guide... - Yes, yes alright. But do you need spiritual or physical guidence?
We're going to the Elven Tower. I don't have a lot of gold but...
The wind will tell me what to do with you. Stand still!
- Let me penetrate your aura. - Why!? - Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
- Kooo-ooO! - Kormamin lindua...
The wind tells me to go with you. My bow will sing with your sword. I'm ready...
Oh... boy!
- Oh... oh fuck! - You fucking idiot!
- Hey, I found him. - My bow will sing with your sword.
Whatever. Let's bounce.
Hey, shield-maiden! Leaving so soon?
How about a little dance?
Oh? Hey, guys. Every-everything's okay. We're leaving now. No worries, we're cool.
- I accept your challenge. - What?
They must defeat me or die!
- You just fucking agreed not to cause any problems. - But they challenged me?
You promised. In and out without any fighting.
Okay. It's all up to you, muscle-boy.
- Hey, shield-maiden, what's it gonna be? - Yeah! What's it gonna be?
Err.. listen... um...
...friends, I know you're itching for a big fight but we're kind of in a...
...hurry, now. But I am sure there must be someone here willing to go a few round with you.
So if it's okay with you? We'll just leave now.
- Zandra! - I'm not here. - What?
That will make a nice soup bone. Mah pain!
Watch where you are going, guobadia!
Have you ever seen one of these? I can teach'ya how to play it.
Makes you horny, dudn't it?
I sense an aura of aggression in the room.
Any last words, shorty?
- Haha, dude's dead. - Oh, come on!...
...That's frigging disgusting!
- I'm gonna cork you like a bottle, you little shit. - That's enough. Leave him alone!
Black Riders! Momma's tits, save us now...
- Where is he? - Whoaa?
- Son of Kronn! Son of Kronn! - That's him.
- Take him! Bring him outside. - Help!
No challenge to Lord Volcazar's riders goes unpunished!
- Great Zaal! - Ruuunnnn!
Let's go!
- Hey! - Hurry!
Hey! For the last time which one of you assholes ordered the Manhattan?
- Hey, screw this. My shift's out.
What the?
Oh, fuck me!
Ahhh shit! I didn't even get my tips.
Fabulous, my Lord. One more strike and you'll beat your personal record.
But my Lord, we have to find the last Son of Kronn before the next full moon, or else!
- When are you gonna shut up, pencil-dick. - I beg your pardon, my Lord.
- Hello? - The target has escaped. - What!?
It's been a very difficuly evening. The Barbarian is being helped by a great warrior.
- Two of my riders are dead. - Arrrggghh!
I will not tolerate humiliation!
Bring them to me. Both of them.
Are you sure you know where we are? It feels like we're walking in circles.
The wind is speaking to my soul. We'll be in the Elf Kingdom soon, I sense it.
You said the same thing two days ago. We're lost, god-dammit.
We'll end up dying like those dried-out losers.
- Haha. - What's so funny?
I've heard stories about the courage and strength of the Barbarians, but you have neither.
You just moan and whine all the time.
I happen to find it very funny, considering who your ancestors are.
So I'm a joke? Why did you come along if you think I whine so much?
- What's your deal with the Barbarians? - Huh! That's my business.
Stop! Look.
- Erm... meaning what? - We Elves can connect with all living creatures.
I'll unite with its soul and make it show us the way out. Ha.
Kormamin lindua ka'elja. Kormamin lindua ka'elja.
Kormamin lindua...
Ouch! Let go of my beautiful Elf lip!
Look. On the other side. There is no labyrinth over there.
The entrance to the Elf Kingdom.
I did it.
Elven gates, I salute you. Ohmmmmm.
Didn't you say this was the entrance?
- Golly! - Come.
Stop! The keepers of the gate must weigh our souls.
Only those of the right stature are allowed to enter.
And erm... what about those with erm... lesser stature?
- What? Who? Well the walls will crush them. - What?
- Well, shall we go? It's just in, voir. - But... But I-I can't do it.
- What? - Honestly guys, I'm a pathetic excuse for a Barbarian.
And I am certainly not of the right stature.
- I don't think that how it's meant, Ronal. - Forget it. We are going around it.
That's not a good idea, when you are on a quest you must follow the rules.
Seriously, going on quests is only going to get you killed.
And if you insist on calling this a 'quest', then read my lips, this is 'my' quest!
And I have decided that we are going around this gate. Come on!
- See. No death traps, no gates, no nothing in our way. - Haha.
All this quest gargage is so dumb. If you just take a moment, think a little outside of the box...
Woah, woah, woah... Wooaahhaaa!
- Owww, my man bits. - What the hell was that?
We have offended the keepers of the gate... I sense...
...great danger!
Run!
Run faster!
- Ronal! - Alibert!
Come on, pick up speed.
Ouch, ouch!
You fucking loser! Your stupid idea almost got us killed.
How the hell would I know the mountain would come alive? I was just telling you I try to avoid problems.
- Tried? Trying just isn't good enough, Ronal. - Um
There are always going to be problems on quests.
You're going to have to solve them, not go around them.
- This is the Tower of the Elves. - Woah!
All of the World's wisdom is in there.
The Book of Wisdom sits within the top chamber.
This way the moon can read it on its way across the darkened sky of night.
The most sacred of sacred!
- That's fine. That's where we are going.. - Shhhh!
Look.
No one from the outside can enter. The King's archers have hawk's eyes.
- Shit. - They kill everything they see.
So we'll have to do it the hard way. I kill the two upfront, while you'll run across.
No.
- I'll do it. - What?
Alone.
Ronal, are you crazy? They'll kill you before you make it to the bridge.
Yeah, I know...
- ...but they won't see me. - Huh?
There isn't much left and I am the smallest one. Wait here.
Boy! I could have used a case of that in high school.
How do I look? Pretty sneaky, isn't it?
- Ohhhh. - Hahahaha.
- What the fuck is so funny? - You missed a spot. Hehe.
What? What? It-it's fucking empty. Oh! Thanks a lot, Gorak!
Yo relax, Ronal. No one will notice those tiny balls.
- Just wait here until I get back, okay? - Don't do it, Ronal. You will just get killed.
Ouch!
# 'I have a headache', 'I'm tired', 'The kids will wake up!' and blah, blah, blah.
# With such a wife is the bummer, that one lives forever.
# Bummer!
Ouch!
# Who's there?
# Anyway...
- # What then? Are you ready for this Saturday? - # Are you crazy? I was born ready!
- # Coolest! - # I'll just have to be 'psycho-baskelam'!
It's open.
Owww! Ouch!
Okay...
Oh my God. Fuck, I am in such bad shape.
Oh shit!
Oh!
# Accursed rat!
Oh!
Woah. There it is.
Oh yeah. Let's see what we got? Sword of Kronn...
...Sword of Kronn. How the hell am I gonna find the Sword of Kronn?
Oh... that's it.
That's it! Kronn's sword. Ha! Piece of cake.
Like anyone's ever gonna notice...
# Use the poisoned arrows.
Huh? Argggh!
# After it!
# Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
# Faster! Shoot it down!
# Yes! The pig is down!
- Oww Owww! Not here!... Woahhhhh!
# Well, how much does it take? How much do you need to drink?
- # Nothing. I'll smoke myself on to the floor. - # Did you get hold of Elrond's mother's weed?
Ouch! Arrgh owww!
The map says Kronn was buried with his sword in the Mountain of Eternity.
My Elf soul senses, that is it far, far...
Isn't that it?
...ha, fairly close by. Destiny is on our side.
Urgghh, owww!
Boy!
- I was wrong about you. - What?
The tower... you made it.
Well sort of... You do the Barbarians honour.
Uh, thanks.
Well... I got an axe to sharpen, so...
- I was thinking... - Huh?
It's just I never thanked you...
...for err... joining me.
Honestly I couldn't have ever made it without you.
Erm... okay.
Ouch. Well, we'd better get some sleep. Maybe we'll find the sword tomorrow. So err...
- I'll keep watch. We Elves don't need any sleep. You can all rest easy. - Hmm.
- Can I ask you something, Ronal? - Err, sure, go ahead.
What are they like, the Barbarians?
- Well they're not the brightest. - I was thinking...
...more like in here?
Oh.
Uh.
A Barbarian is always there to help when you need them...
...no matter how difficult or dangerous it is. And they go on quests all the time.
They are totally fearless. Kind of hard to believe I am one of them, huh?
- And they are kickass warriors, right? - Yep. The best in the world.
Kickass warriors are so hard to find.
Yeah... err... what?
I decend from an ancient tribe of shield-maidens.
Far, far away.
According to our ways, I must marry a warrior who defeats me in a duel.
Many have tried to defeat me...
...but I was too strong.
And with every new duel, I grew stronger and stronger.
In the meantime everybody else found themselves a mate.
One by one. I was the only one left.
The duels became few and far between and in the end warriors...
...just stopped coming to challenge me.
The tribal elders got angry.
They told me to leave and go out into Metalonia and find my own worthy husband.
A warrior with the strength to conquer me.
If someone defeats me, I have to obey his every wish.
But no warrior has been strong enough yet.
But, but everywhere I go everybody say that the Barbarians are Metalonia's greatest warriors.
So maybe one of the Barbarians from your tribe can beat me.
- That's why I came along. - Err... okay.
- Okay, what? - Yeah... well... err...
- ...all that stuff you just told me. What's that got to do with love at all? - What do you mean?
- Erm... - I'd love whoever defeats me. I've waited so long for this I am about to explode!
Woah.
- I err... I've never told anyone this before. - Oh, I see.
It feels... kinda... nice.
You know, Ronal? It's actually nice talking to you.
- You're pretty nice. - Huh!
- Uh! To talk to, I mean. Ha. - Hahaha.
- Okay - Err, well... if I had meant it the other way, then we would have to fight.
- Yeah, well... that would really suck. - Yeah, that would be weird. You and me... in a duel.
- What was that? - I don't know.
Hey, Elric.
We Elves never sleep... huh?
- What's that sound there? - Oh... I sense a nasty voice in the wind.
- Ronal! - I told you...
...no one defies Lord Volcazar's ires unpunished!
Ronal, watch out!
Zandra!
Ronal, wait for me!
Ohhh! Ronal! Ronal!
I'll whip your ass to pieces. Hahahaha!
God-dammit!
Let's go.
Yeehaw!
Zandra! Zandra?
- No, no, no. - Ronal, we'll find her.
If we leave now we can catch up with them. Now come on.
- Whatcha do? - I don't know.
They're Amazons!
- Oh my God, I hit it! - You silly bitch!
- So what are ya wearing today? - I don't know, G-string, maybe nothing. - Great idea.
Ladies, they also come in dick-tan.
- They're all women? - I've died and gone to heaven.
- Hey, ladies. What's up? - Eww, what is that?
- Oh, is that a fanny-pack? - Hey, hey, hey! Nice to meet ya.
They're very odd women.
Glorious Queen, we have caught these horrible women and have brought them here...
- ...so you may decide their fate. - We're women?
Pick them up. Let me check them out.
Most peculiar women. I've never seen anything like it.
- Urrghh, what's this? - Ow!
- One of them even has hair on her chin. - Ewww, yuck! - Oh my God!
- Erm... Miss Queen, if I may? - Silence! Ugly girl.
- Who asked you to speak? - We're not... erm... women. - What?
- We're kinda more like men, ya know? - Men?!
- Err... well almost. - Men!
Whooo! Praise Heaven. The gods have answered our prayers and sent us two men!
Finally the time has come to carry on our tribe.
Take them to the sacred mating cabins, at once.
- What? - For real?
- No! Wait! - Hahahaha!
I'm getting laid!
- We'll use the skinny one first. Save the other one, for tomorrow. - What? What?
Help... help. No wait! No, I don't wanna go! Don't wanna go!
Come on, man! This is just not fair! I wanna get fucked too!
Line up in pairs, no pushing. I know you all are horny. Everyone..
- ...will get their turn. - Noooooo!
- My Lord. - Any news?
We caught the warrior who helped the last Barbarian escape. Bring it out!
Urggh, urghh! Get your fucking hands off of me!
Well look at this.
A Shield-maiden.
- And a very pretty one at that. - Give me a weapon and let me fight!
Hahaha! All good things come to those who wait.
- No one touches me you bastard. - Argghh!
Urrghh! Then die!
Oh, impressive! You really, really turn me on.
Such a shame I have to kill you!
Ugh! Shit! Son of a bitch!
- What? - Hahahaha!
You silly girl!
I know your rules, shield-maiden. You must obey me now.
It is your destiny.
You... you have defeated me.
Yes! It's about damned time. Is it my turn now?
Tonight's mating ceremony is over. You're not up till tomorrow.
- What? Tomorrow? - The Queen's orders.
Come back! I've got the world's bluest balls!
Hmm? Where ya going?
- We have to go. - Huh? But what about the Amazons?
Zandra is in danger. We have gotta find Kronn's sword and help her before it's too late!
- Zandra can wait a week or so. - What? We can't just let her down!
- Can't we find another warrior? - I don't wanna find another warrior. I want Zandra!
- Hello! You didn't even want her along in the first place. - Just come!
Screw you! I wanna stay here and get laid by some really hot babes.
That's the only reason I joined you on your lousy quest.
Hmm, oh I forgot. You're not on a quest. You're more boring than a yeast infection.
Fine! Then stay here.
- Oww, you're such a tool anyway. - Huh?
- Oh my God, I just love this song! - I know, I could just do it all day.
Oh fucking dammit! This sucks! Arggh.
Oh, what the hell am I doing here? Ronal, I'm coming!
- Are those real? - Of course. I just had to see you.
Since the first time I laid eyes on you, I've wanted to rub my naked body all over your manly chest!
Ahh! Forget the silly rules I just gotta have you now, sexy boy!
- Err, just a second... - I'm about to lose control! Take me!
Take me! Oh! Oh! Woah!
Mamma's hungry, let me eat you baby! You bring out the woman in me. Mwah! Mwah!
Spoil me high! Wooooweee!
Stop!
I find you very sexy, Miss Queen, but my friend needs me and I've got to go.
What?
Let's just have your girls capture me again on our way back?
Sound the alarm!
- You pig! Slimey pig! - Crazy fucking bitches, argghh!
Wait until I get my hands on you, you little fat fuck!
Men should be hung by their balls!
Arrggghhh! Elric?
Woah! These must be the first Barbarians.
Woah!
Uhm, err...
Mr. Kronn sir. I need to borrow your sword for a bit.
It's so light. Woah!
Woah! Oh shit!
Erm, yeah... sorry about that.
Zandra.
I'm sorry, Ronal.
How you managed to escape my best men is beyond me,
but now you show up here, exactly like my shield-maiden said you would.
My Lord, Kronn's sword. The only weapon that can ever harm you.
Zandra?
Excellent. You have served me well.
- I live to serve you, my Lord. - What the hell is going on?
- Uggh! - Now go! - Sandra?
You little Barbarian have a date with my Sorcerer.
- My senses say that Ronal is in great da... - We're fucked!
- Do with him what you must, Sorcerer. - Haha. With pleasure, my Lord.
- Ronal? - Gorak?
- There you go. - No, no, no!
Finally! Mighty Zaal, hear your humble servant!
The blood of Kronn's sons awaits you.
Open your doors to your mighty temple! Hahahaha!
Oww my tongue! What's going on here?
Only once every ten thousand years, is it possible for Zaal,
the God of the Zakidees, to contact our world. I'm bringing him the ultimate sacrifice.
The sons of Kronn, the warrior who sent him into the exile of the hereafter.
As my reward he will give me his divine power.
Everybody will obey me!...
...or die!
- Oh. - Shit, how are we gonna get past these two? - I say we fly like the seeds of dandilions.
Ronal!
Move it, assholes! What's wrong with you? Go!
- Can we rest a bit now? - Who's the fucking bitch who?
- Wait here. - Daddy's pumping. - What the?
- Ronal. - Alibert! - Shhh. Shut up!
- What's going on? - Erm... - Owww! Will you stop?
Move it you skinny bitch!
Ronal, what's happening, man! What've you done with Kronn's sword?
It's down there on that alter. It's too late, there's nothing we can do. Get out of here.
- Chain them up! Be sure to make them tight. - Don't worry, Major will like it like that.
Tighter! I won't be happy until I hear them squeal like pigs!
Mighty Zaal, recieve this offering of the blood of the sons of Kronn.
Bless us with your darkness, bless us!
Soon I will be more mightier than a god...
...and you will be my immortal queen for all eternity.
- Hey! - Uh! - What are you doing in here?
- I, err... - Kill him. - Alright!
No, no, wait! I am master Alibert.
The err... bard. I'm with the band...
...you know, for the party... erm, occult ritual?
Let me tell you a ditty I wrote. Hehhemm!
Your leather clothes they turn me on, and..
The way you shake your ass, it makes me hard.
Let's dance tonight until the morning.
Baby, I really wanna hold your hand...
- That's so fucking lame! - Oh well.
- Adiós. - Hey stop! Come back here you stupid shit!
- Let the 'Chosen One' step forward! - Hahahaha!
- Hey, Ronal. - Kronn's sword.
- Prove it! I'll free you. - Hurry up, we've gotta free the others.
- I'm trying, man! - What the hell?
Oh my God! Would you believe this shit! Are you for real, man?
- Drop it, sweet-cheeks. Your ass is mine. - Hmmmph... help!
Arrrgh, you're just insulting me now. Just put it down before I whip your ass open.
Hahahaha! Hey why don't you chain yourself back up?
Huh?
- What the fuck? - Erm... sorry.
- What? - Huh?
Huh?
Motherfucker! I've been so wanting to do this!
- Oh yeah! - Arrgghhh!
- Kill them. - But?...
- That's an order! - Zandra!
You belong to me, shield-maiden! And don't ever forget that.
Yes, my Lord.
- Ronal? - Zandra, you don't have to do this.
Volcazar beat me in a duel. It's my destiny.
Zandra, it's me.
You've completely frigging lost it! Is it your destiny to...
...kill the only person who actually cares about you?
Just because some iron-clad madman beat you in a fight. Is it?
- Watch out! - Urggh!
Ronal!
Zandra.
- Let go of me! - Huh?
You must drink the blood, there's no time left!
Excellent. Get every last drop. Hehe. Yes!
- Oh, shit. - Hmmph?
Die!
- No! - Hohahahahahahaa!
Yes! Yes! Yesss!
Yeeeeeeeaaaahhhh!
Hehahahaha! Darkness will rise in Metalonia!
The sound of terror will rise towards the sky!
All shall bow to me...
...or die!
Oh fuck!
Kronn's saga! 'Kronn he pulled his mighty sword and thrust with all his strength!'
- 'The sword injures Zakidees' skull, which cracked along it's length!' - What?
You have to hit him in the forehead with Kronn's sword. It's his weak-point, man!
It's just impossible! Huh?
Ronal! You have to get out of here. Go, save yourself!
- What are you talking about? - Dammit, this is no place for you.
Beat it!
- No! I'm done being a pussy! - Ronal!
You better not give me any shit! No, woahhh!
Yeah, way to go. Stab his forehead!
- No! Forehead! - Do you wanna fucking try this?
Urrrgh, urghh, urgghhh!
He's gonna get himself fucking killed.
Oh, shit! Huh?
May I aim with the eyes of a hawk, my arrow doth fly with wings!
Stand still! You little piece of shit!
Urrgh!
I've got you, you little prick! Owww!
Eat my lute, gotcha!
No, no, no, nooooo!
- Zandra? - My Queen! Kill this flea for me.
Owww! What are you doing shield-maiden? Your destiny is to serve me!
- No! It's over! - Oh, really?
Then you must die!
Zandra!
Okay, tribe! Let's show them, how we Barbarians really fight!
Gorak!
It's okay, guys. I've got him under control! Kill him!
I am invincible!
- What the fuck? - This one's for Gundar!
Uh?
Lord!
Holy shit. My G-string hasn't been this high in years.
Ronal?
Ronal!
Oh no.
Here lies, Ronal. The bestest Barbarian who ever lived!
- What are you staring at? - He's alive? Ronal's alive. Praise Kronn!
I sense, love!
Me'own blub.
We don't have to fight a duel now, do we?
No...
...you've already conquered my heart, Ronal.
Oh! This is cheesy.
- Getta room! - Begin the party! Beers and pain!...
...Beers and pain! Beers and pain! Yeah!
Cheers everyone! Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink!
Wanna see something nasty?
- Oh! - Wow!
Yes!
- Oh, that's good. - I sense a really big tightness, in your groin.
Yeah, you wannna try being strapped to a leather cross for a week!
Everyone shut up! I've got something important to say!
- To Ronal, the ballsiest Barbarian! - Yeah!
Cheers!
- But you still drink like a pussy! - Fucking Barbarians!